How's your inner compass guiding you?

I’m in a workshop. It’s focused on personal development. The topic is ‘your values and beliefs’. And I’m puzzling over what to write.

The 15 minutes or so goes by in a flash and I’ve not written much down. Instead I’ve got questions floating around my head…

“what are my values?”

                              “what is a value?”           “what am I driven by?”

              “what beliefs do I hold that inexplicably shape how I respond to people, situations, conversations?”

There’s no time to stop and think, the workshop facilitator ploughs on.

Later I’m pondering on those questions. I write down words that come to mind about how I might describe myself to other people. But is that what they see? Do I come across in the way I think or want to?

Of course, I’ve had feedback before so I go back to those words and compare how they match up with how I might describe myself…

… and the words I’ve scribbled down are not far away to what others have said to me in the past. Perhaps it was unnecessary to check, but just a little trepidation had set in as to whether I come across to other people in the way I would like to.

So now I’ve got a better idea of some beliefs and values that I live by. Right?

Perhaps. But perhaps there’s also something deeper. Not always visible to others. Some of the words people have used to describe me are things I’ve worked on to develop, to get better at. Whereas to me it feels that values and beliefs are more deeply held than what might present on the surface.

I mull this over for a while. A few weeks pass.

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I’m in a meeting, a couple of other attendees have arrived, but everyone else is late. As the minutes pass, I’m becoming more restless. I swing my leg silently, trying not to tap the ground with my foot. I play with my ring, twisting it round and round on my finger. And I realise that my jaw is clenched shut.

One of the late attendees arrives and apologises effusively.

Still the meeting doesn’t start.

I start jabbing my pen into my notebook.

I stop and place my hands on my lap and focus on making conversation.

Eventually the remaining attendees arrive.

Sometime later, I realise just how irritated I become when people are late to any appointment, including meetings.

And that’s when I comprehended that there was something about my values and beliefs coming through. Something deep-rooted that sparked irritation and drove the restlessness that I was trying to hide.

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I’ve created space to think again about my values and beliefs. I’m curious about understanding what they are, and how they might shape me and my actions.

This time I take a different approach.

I produce a list of situations that trigger a strong emotional response. When I get irritated, angry, frustrated and also happy, proud, excited.

The list is relatively short. So I give myself a month and I add to it.

Slowly I build up a picture of those moments which spark a response without me consciously thinking about it.

From this list I begin to appreciate what it is that drives my responses.  And now I start to feel that I have a better understanding of my values and beliefs.

As I unpick the unwritten code that I'm living by, I see that there are times when my emotional response works for me and other times when it doesn't.

Does getting irritated by people arriving late to a meeting help me?

 Am I going to do anything about it?

  What could I do that would work better for me?

Whilst it's by no means easy to stop the emotion, somehow there's something liberating about understanding myself just a little bit more and comprehending that I have a choice as to what I do next.