Get the feeling you're in a fix-up?

No! No, that doesn’t feel right. I can’t explain why. It’s just not right…

I’ve just been told to do something to which, through no verbal reply, I’ve passively agreed with.

I can’t explain what it is that’s giving me a tingling sensation, but as the minutes pass since the request was made I realise my skin is still prickling.

Over the next few days I put it to one side. I have no idea how to move the request forward and thinking about it brings back that prickle.

Out of the blue I’m asked for an update.

“Umm…”

I stumble over some words.

Seems I got away with it.

I’ve got a meeting coming up and it becomes apparent that I’m going to have to give some answers. I scramble to get some work done. My initial feelings, start to grow. I don’t know how to take this forward. What’s been requested has too many contradictions and I begin to feel a constriction inside of me.

It’s like I’ve been set up to fail.

The meeting arrives. The tightening inside of me is even greater. The question is asked.

“Well…”

Heat rises to my face.

I begin by pointing out all the difficulties I had, priming for the apparent lack of progress.

I’m defending myself.

Frustration is coming at me.

And it ends with having to go away and sort it out.

Inside there is a little corner of me that starts to seethe.

I start again. But the contradictions keep coming straight into my face.

I talk it over with a colleague who makes some suggestions.

I cobble something together.

And that’s how it feels. I’ve patched something together to make it resemble a whole. But I don’t feel good about it. It doesn’t square the contradictions and I’m still left feeling ill at ease that what I’ve done isn’t really the right thing to do.

Still, it’s accepted and I’ve found a way forward.

So that’s okay isn’t it?

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My skin is prickling again.

I’m not happy about what’s being requested as the way forward. Particularly as it's something that I would have to do.

“I’m not sure that’s the best way forward”

I get push back. It doesn’t surprise me. They ask what I think is the best solution, and I honestly don’t know.

I take a deep breath.

I don’t know what I’m going to say next, but I open my mouth and some words come out.

“Let me take your idea away and come back to you. I’m just not certain I can make it work.”

There's a look, exasperation perhaps? But the answer is "okay then".

The breath. The pause.

It was just enough to help me push back and buy myself time.

I don’t know what it is that is making my skin prickle. I know I’ll have to find the words to articulate it, but right here right now I don’t have the time or the head space to think it through clearly or coherently enough to give a suitable answer.

At my desk, my mind unwinds and starts to think it through. I start to scribble. All the things that I am uncomfortable with start to emerge.

I look at the list. I pick it apart. What is the one thing that I think is unsurmountable?

I work on that. I ask other people for their opinions. I look for ways forward. Once I’m sure of my answer, I take it back.

That prickling feeling warned me not to simply agree, but it was the deep breath, the pause, the bought time that helped me to understand what that feeling was about.

And rather than feel pressurised into doing something I didn’t want to, the pause and bought time created the space for me to do something more positive. Understand what I wasn’t happy with and suggest a solution that I could work with.