The impossibility of saying ‘no’

Yes, of course… [how do I get out of this?]

Feel that you just can’t say no?

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Okay, but it’s going to take time, I have a lot on my plate at the moment [so how do I say no?]

Of course, I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.

I’ll see what I can do [because I don’t when I’m going to fit this in].

Great, thanks.

Sure [I guess I’ll work it out somehow].

And with that I’ve just something new to add to my list of things to get done. And it’s not small or something I can get done quickly.

I slump into my chair. My head falls into my hands. I try not to groan too loudly. I take a deep breath. I press my fingers into my forehead, trying to stop any further thoughts. Closing my eyes briefly, I take another breath and plunge back into the never-ending stream of email…

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Some requests are hard to say no to. Even when it's not the way you want to take something forward.

Sometimes it's the person asking. Sometimes it's the pressure brought about because everyone else is agreeing to pitch in.

Wanting to play your part and make a valuable contribution to something vital.

But what gives, when you’re already up to the eyeballs with

work? And nobody is really listening to your concerns?

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It’s late and I haven’t got everything done. My head is about to explode. It’s pounding and I can’t think straight.

I’ve got a deadline tomorrow and I’ll be in meetings all day. I have to get this done.

I’m feeling sick with tiredness. My head hurts. I fudge my way through the meetings and collapse at home. But I’ve met the deadline.

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A few weeks later and I the concerns I had bubbling are now very real.

But I have too much to think about to contemplate how to sort things out.

Frustration and exasperation boils inside me. Surely, it would have been better to say no and been "obstructive"?

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I focus on questions.

I know I'm causing frustration. I know people want solutions not questions.

But I'm asking them anyway.

This isn't about saying yes or no to something, this is about finding out more.

Getting clarity on exactly what it is this is all about.

What it is it we're really looking to achieve.

And what really is my contribution to all this.

It's a difficult at times, to keep asking questions, when others are growing visibly irritated.

But it starts to become clear that we're not all on the same page and we're all making some different assumptions.

So I choose my words and questions with care. Being clear on my intent and purpose. 

This isn't about winning or shaming or obstructing. This is about finding common ground, common language, a common way forward.

Then something switches.

Imperceptibly.

I can't be sure what's changed. Perhaps something has started to click into place for some of us that helps build a way forward. Perhaps this time we've taken has helped us understand each other a little bit more. Perhaps the imperative to make progress has shifted us.

Maybe it's all of these things and more.

We start to tackle the bigger unanswered questions, and start to have some clarity.

It's now the I begin to see how we might find a common way forward.