It’s an invisible trap.
Not immediately obvious.
But it creates a moving cage that constricts. Slowly.
These are the paradoxes we hold within ourselves.
Contradictions creating tensions that attempt to pull us in
opposite directions making it almost impossible to move.
We have all dealt with uncertainty over the last 2 years. It’s
brought pressure, stress, anxiety. It’s been tough.
So it’s been hard not let that become overwhelming, trying
to contain it because it matters that we do. That to offer support, guidance,
leadership, we ourselves have to be the person that others need us to be.
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I think about the number of conversations I’ve had with
others, checking how they are, offering a moment of calmness.
Asking how they are looking after themselves.
Encouraging them to step away even for a moment.
Exploring how they might make sure they put a little bit of
time aside for themselves.
Sometimes helping them to themselves permission to do that.
Yet I notice the contradiction.
How well am I doing this?
My struggles with poor sleep impinging heavily into my
working day. Sometimes wiping out my downtime.
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Trying to make sense of what lies ahead.
Trying to put plans in place, when they might change at any
moment.
It’s not that I haven’t done this before.
It’s just the constancy of change. Unrelenting.
And as I grapple with that, I’m trying to offer reassurance.
Some consistent message.
And I’m lost. I don’t know what to say.
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It’s hard to communicate when so much is unknown.
And it goes against the grain when circumstances impact what
I’ve said. When I say something, I mean it. That might be a commitment, an
assurance.
I want to be known for keeping me word.
And then that gets trashed by things out of my control.
And I go quiet…
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It’s not a good trait to stop communicating.
Being present matters.
Yet it’s hard to converse when I have so much internal
turmoil.
So it’s become vital to find space to unpick the inner
contradictions, to try to make some sense of them.
That can be finding solitary moments to take a breath.
That might be finding someone willing to listen whilst I let
it all out.
That might be recognising that sometimes my needs come
first.
And all the while I remind myself that it’s important to keep
connected and reconnect with people.
That I won’t be alone in what I’m feeling and experiencing,
and that it’s the help and support we give each other in turn, that makes the
difference and keeps us upright perhaps eases some of the tension, so we can all
find a way forward.
