Great Expectations (part 1)

We’re walking to our meeting room. I have my notes, my thoughts. Reviewed and rehearsed some of the points I want to make.

We enter, it’s a small room creating an intimate space. Good for two people.

We settle. And begin.

It’s performance appraisal time, and I’m in a review meeting with one of my team. We look back over the year discuss highlights, things that could have been different and look forward to the future.

As part of my own learning and development, I take each opportunity I see to ask for feedback from my team. This is one of those times, and at the end I ask if there is anything I could do differently to help them.

They shift in their seat…

…look down…

…silence…

…then tentatively they offer their thoughts.

I feel myself sway backwards slightly, take in a quick breath as my eyes widen.

                                 ‘extremely high expectations’

                                             ‘don’t praise’

Time stops.

For a moment I can't say anything

Then I take a deep breath and ask if they might give me some examples.

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I’ve never considered myself ambitious. But I have known that whatever I do I want to do it well, and I often reflect on things I’ve said or done and chastise myself for not doing better.

When I look back, I know this is something deep-rooted. During school and years studying, I pushed myself to know more and understand more and to work problems out for myself. This has continued throughout my working life. It, without doubt, has come from wanting to please others. To demonstrate that I was and am good at something. To receive praise.

I thought myself to be caring to show consideration for others, particularly to my team. So their feedback came as a shock. Reflecting later, I realised it was true – I don’t give out much praise.

Oh, the irony! For someone who desires praise, to realise it’s one of the things I struggle give... I felt terrible.

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I begin to make a considered and conscious effort to praise pieces of work my team do, and particularly those things that they find difficult.

It’s noticed. 6 months later in an interim review, the person who gave me the feedback says how much they appreciate it when I tell them that they have done something well.

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It wasn’t until that moment when my team member pointed it out to me that I realised how much of an impact my high expectations and lack of praise had on other people. With that awareness I was able to do something to change that.

But my expectations hadn’t changed. Certainly not of myself. I was still caught in the trap that ‘whatever I do is never good enough’.