Great Expectations (part 2)

I have known that whatever I do I want to do it well, and I often reflect on things I’ve said or done and chastise myself for not doing better.

More recently though I’ve been forcing myself to ask “but what does ‘better’ mean anyway?”

When I look back, I know this is something deep-rooted. Without doubt, it came from wanting to please others. To demonstrate that I was good at something. To receive praise.

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A new role and a new team. One team member wants to develop new skills in an area I’m not familiar with. I feel out of my depth. How can I help them?

We’re supporting a division within a larger organisation, and we’re expected to get on and deliver all the things that are needed. We can tap into some help and support from the organisation, but everyone’s busy.

So I work with my team member, as best I can. There are times when I feel I’m giving suitable direction. There other times where I feel so out of my depth I’m simply working on my gut instinct. It feels wrong.

And yet I know I want this to be the best it can possibly be. It matters. We will be judged by others.

A comment from my team member expressing their uncertainty, suddenly makes me realise I’ve fallen back into the trap – high expectations, little praise. What’s worse is that this time I don’t really know what ‘good’ looks like. And they know that. So how do I give meaningful praise?

We sit down. I’m open with them about how uncertain I feel about particular aspects of their work, and I’m clear on what I am confident about. My opinion is from a very specific view point, so we discuss what value this provides. We consider what’s missing, what help they need to accomplish tasks to a level that they and I are proud of, and how we might source that help.

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I think about the comment my team member made.

I’ve not really changed much at all.

I’ve become aware that I don’t give much praise and so I need to make a concerted effort to do so.

But I can forget to do this, when consumed by my own doubts and worries of failure.

And underlying this, is that I don’t praise myself.

The recognition hits me hard. Like a thump in my chest.

I’m off balance for a while.

And if I am unable to praise myself, no wonder I find it so hard praise others.

Now I take time to notice the things that I do. Each day I think about the positive things that have happened each day and what I did to help make them happen. I write them down in a beautiful notebook to help me remember.