Don't hide from it, get it out in the open!

I’m a little nervous.

I’ve been trying to pin-down exactly what it is.

More agitation, concern perhaps.

There have been some changes to my team. Not through my own choice.

I’m conscious that I should settle things down as quickly as I can.

Yet I know that my control-freak nature means I could end up trying to be too directive and rather than bring a team together who flourish, my grip might end up squeezing everyone too tightly making people feel uncomfortable and restricted.

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It’s going to take time.

Just relax and remember it’s going to take time.

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There’s tension.

People are sitting arms crossed, legs crossed, not looking each other in the eye.

It’s not so much that an argument has kicked off, more that they don’t want to contradict each other. Yet the topic has clearly caused some dispute.

I ignore it and move the meeting on.

Afterwards, I’m pondering on it. I talk to people individually and hear their points of view. I try to square it away with each of them. Separately.

I feel like I’ve sorted it. But somehow deep down, I’m not sure if I really have.

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There it is again.

The tension.

Taut.

My stomach is clenched tight. I feel slightly nauseous.

I don’t like confrontation.

And this is what it feels like.

Again I deal with it outside the meeting. With individuals. Separately.

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It’s not helping. The divisions are still there.

I beginning to sense that whilst I think I’m trying to make peace, I’m doing so by trying to keep everyone happy. Saying to them what they want to hear from me.

It’s not helping.

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My stomach is clenched tight. So are my hands.

I take a deep breath and feel the blood rush to my face.

This time rather than moving things on, I ask what other people think.

There’s a stony silence.

I ask a question to the person who was presenting their idea and then make a suggestion. They tentatively say they aren’t sure about it.

I ask what the others think to my idea.

Another also tentatively suggests it’s not a great idea.

There are some nods of heads.

Inside I huff a little. So my idea isn’t good!

I ask again what might be better and a suggestion comes forward.

After some tense and tentative minutes we’ve had a debate of sorts. I can’t quite tell if the air has cleared. I’m too uptight.

Later I realise that I managed to get some discussion going by unifying them against my idea. But it helped draw out some points of view in the meeting, starting to share some ideas and helping each other.

I grit myself. I’m going to have to try this again. And again. However uncomfortable I find this.

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A few months later I’m coming back from a meeting. My team is chatting. As I get closer I realise it’s not social. They’re talking about a problem one of them has.

We meet for our regular team meeting. One is reporting back on the progress they’re making. They talk about a problem they’ve had, how it’s set them back and how the others helped them out and now they’ve got it sorted.

Back later at my desk, I smile to myself. I have a warm glow inside. I wasn’t involved in solving the problem. I didn’t even know about it fully until the meeting.

But the meeting was relaxed. There no longer seemed to be the dread of what other people might think. They’d started to help each other out.

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It had felt uncomfortable, I’d had to overcome my own fear of confrontation, and that had taken a lot. But rather than play private peace-maker, opening up the discussion and encouraging people to share their thoughts had started to build trust and that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’.