Do not press!

BAM!

It might have been an innocent question on their part.

But the tone of their voice says “you’re stupid”

The lack of eye contact “what’s this got to do with me”

The shrug of their shoulders says “you’re wasting my time”

You’re asking why I did that? Well…

My face is now on fire.

Words are streaming out of my mouth.

My back is rigid.

My hands curled into fists.

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I lie in bed awake, thinking about that question. I’m calmer, though thinking back, brings back some of the anger/frustration/shame/guilt.

I know that it was a fair question. The rational part of me knows this. But in that moment, that split-second I reacted with all the emotion that burst inside of me.

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They’re asking my opinion. They’re asking for my support. They’re asking for my help. They have so many things on their overwhelmed and struggling.

I give them the help I can.

They’re asking again for my support, for my help.

I help them again.

They’re asking for help.

I’m getting frustrated.

Tinged with anger.

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I realise I’ve created a dependency.

How can I stop this and help them become self-sufficient?

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‘Hot buttons’. I guess that’s the phrase that sums it up. The reaction that’s instantaneous to a situation and before you know it you’ve reacted. It’s only later when you’ve had time to think that perhaps you could have reacted differently, and that might have been better.

I’ve become aware that I have two types of ‘hot button’. One that puts me immediately in a fight, flight or freeze mode – press it and *bang* I react!

The other is one that lights a fuse… it’s a slower burn. There’s the potential it might fizzle out. But press it a few more times…

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Strangely, I’ve found it easier to learn different ways to stop the quick reactions. It takes practice and quick thinking. And I don’t always intervene in time. But learning to recognise what’s likely to set me off, who that’s most likely to be and just something as simple as holding my breath, can be enough.

It’s the ones with the fuse that have been harder to recognise. Sometimes it can be weeks, or months of something happening before I suddenly explode. It’s taken me time to tune into my irritation. To look for patterns. To understand what it is that might be niggling me. To recognise when that fuse is short and still burning. And stopping that fuse can be harder. It can go against my natural instinct, and take effort to change things before I go *boom*!

So now I try to look out for these repeating patterns. Try to stop the burning fuse from getting too short. And because it’s not easy to stop your natural instinct, this gives me time to try different things to put out the lit fuse before it’s too late.

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So what are your hot buttons?

Can you list them?

Do you know them well enough to intervene?

Over this next week, how many times are your hot buttons pressed?