Changing from a doer to a leader

It’s my fifth meeting of the day. We’re 2 hours in. Only one more hour to go. There’s heated debate and I can feel my shoulders are knotted and my neck is so tight the base of my head is beginning to ache.

I come out and sit at my desk.

My head is full | churning | overflowing | swirling | endlessly agitated

I close my eyes in an effort to put that all to one side. But I have things that need to be done, and it’s going to be another late night. So I open them again and start assessing my inbox…

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I’ve slumped. It’s the end of the week. I’ve spent most days in back-to-back meetings, and my to-do list is huge.

I open up my calendar. Looks like next week will be the same.

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Like so many of my colleagues, I squeeze the ‘real work’ before, after, in and around the meetings. I block out time in my calendar to make myself ‘unavailable’. I schedule in time in advance so that I have a few hours each week to myself.

The meetings that are important to me, which I instigate, I put in and invite attendees up to a year in advance. Simply to make sure that I have set aside that time. Time for my team. Time to make sure I am there to support them, guide them, ensure we’re working together and from the same page.

But then everyone else plans too.

12 months down the line, I can see that I’ll be in back-to-back meetings.

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I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Something has to give. Before it’s me.

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I have a sense of pride that I deliver. That I turn ideas into something real. That I’m prepared to keep getting my hands dirty. Even though management responsibilities take up a significant chunk of my time, I feel that by keeping my hands dirty, I retain an understanding of what my team faces. It keeps me grounded, realistic of what I’m asking of them and what I believe we can deliver and therefore commit to, for our department.

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Perhaps the weariness is beginning to be all too obvious. I’m holding a team meeting, we’ve almost come to a close and the discussion has moved onto more general things. One of my team comments “you seem to have a lot on, is there anything we can do to help?”

 

I stare at them astonished

 

I look down at the table. And take a breath. “Well…”

Later, in private, one of my other team observes to me that I do more hands-on work than most other managers. They reinforce my reasons for doing it, by highlighting that it means a lot to them and that they feel I have a much better understanding of what I’m asking them to do. Even though I might push them, I’m not asking the impossible. But perhaps I need to let something go?

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It’s a precious 30 mins in between meetings, and the words of my team member come flooding back.

 

But if I give up the hands-on work, then what am I actually doing?

What does me sitting in meetings achieve?

 

But if I don’t give up the hands-on work, then what’s going to give?

 

I’m a doer. I get things done. Sitting in meetings isn’t real work.

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Sheer exhaustion is kicking-in. It feels like a battle to go to sleep. Migraines are hitting me at an increasing frequency.

I begin reduce the amount of hands-on work I do.

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It’s the fourth meeting of the day and the second one that’s 2 or more hours. There’s heated debate. I’m making the case for why a piece of work being demanded of my team is not what I believe to be the right piece of work. We conclude the meeting. I can feel the tension in my shoulders and neck. I’ve managed to push back on the piece of work but I know we will be revisiting this again.

I hold a team meeting and I’m upfront with them about the discussion I was involved in. I ask for their thoughts and together we come up with a plan, and my team execute it.

The piece of work is demanded again. This time I have something to show them. I give them the results of the work my team planned and undertook, and it demonstrates why piece of work being demanded is not necessarily the right way to go. Discussion ensues.

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It’s only through performance appraisal and a chance to reflect that I realise I’ve become more comfortable with no longer being a doer. I do still occasionally get my ‘hands dirty’, but it now tends to be to cover for one of my team when things unexpectedly crop up.

Instead I’m a conduit for information, the glue that holds us together, the eyes that see what others might not, the guiding light to give direction. I do deliver. It’s just now it’s through the relationships I build rather than through what my hands construct.