Balancing the weight of anger vs calm

B A N G !

The phone’s down.

My hand is shaking.

I can hear the blood in my ears.

My face is on fire.

My stomach is churning.

I get angry, that’s natural. But usually in work, I am able to contain this inside and find ways to let the emotion escape once I’ve found the right space.

This time, for the first time ever, I’ve just confronted the person who has made me angry. On the phone has given it some distance. Perhaps that was good.

I feel sick. I seek out someone to confide in. I’m lucky, in this case I feel able to tell my line manager what has just occurred.

Tears are streaming down my face. It takes a while before I can gather my composure and explain.

Later I get an email from the person who made me angry. There’s an apology and there’s defensiveness. I accept the apology. We exchange further emails to reset the boundaries. Time to move on.

-------

I think back to this sometimes. I’ve not been that openly angry with a work colleague since. Whilst I think my open display of anger helped redefine a boundary line that person crossed, it left me feeling deeply uncomfortable. Questioning how I could have handled it differently.

I’ve never found giving feedback easy, especially one someone else’s behaviour is challenging me. Sometimes it feels like I should just deal with it – and I’ve learnt that if I’m not prepared to say anything then that’s my problem not theirs. Sometimes I feel I should take action.

And then I get scared.

There’s no easy answer to giving feedback. So each time I carefully prepare. I think about what I want to say, the words I’m going to use, the phrases. I think about how this might come across, how the other person might react. I think about the emotions that they might show and what I might say in response. I think these things through because the thing that scares me the most being unable to react in the ‘right way’ if they become angry at me. In picturing what that may look like and thinking through what I could do, helps me feel more prepared for that possibility.

I also know that when I give this type of feedback, I’m making an investment. I’m investing in them. I’m choosing to tell them something difficult because I believe it will make a difference for them. And to help that person understand and if they wish to change what they do, after the feedback I make a commitment to help them. To support them where I can, so that they feel that something positive can come from this.

For me giving feedback is not a small thing.

It's going to take my time, thought, commitment.

But I know from my own experience, when I’ve had feedback and when I’ve tried to do something about that feedback, it’s the person standing with me, walking alongside me, giving me the encouragement and support that has truly made the difference.

Feedback is a powerful and wonderful gift when given in the right way. Supporting someone to respond to that feedback is one of the greatest rewards.