Perhaps you should go home?

The sound makes me shudder.

I ask the person if they are okay and whether they should really be here. Of course, the answer is “I’ve got to get this done”.

And that’s because I’ve asked them to do it and told them just how vital it is.

 

Torn, I try to close my ears and focus.

But after listening to the sporadic deep-seated phlegmy coughing, both irritation and concern prompt me to do something.

 

After a long conversation, I persuade them to go home.

 

The work is delayed.

It causes me a headache.

But better that they focus on looking after themselves and recovering, and limiting the possibility of passing it on.

It feels selfish to say it, but I don’t want their cold and I’d rather that they didn’t pass it on to anyone else either.

 

------

 

My limbs feel like lead.

My head is swimming.

Rawness in my throat.

My eyes ache.

 

I’ve just got to make it through today.

Just get through this meeting, my presentation and make sure the decisions taken are the right ones.

 

“Are you sure you should be in? You’d be better off at home”

“I’ll be fine, just got to get through this meeting”

 

I stumble through the meeting.

I can barely remember the discussion.

I can feel a hot flush spreading throughout me, yet I’m shivering.

 

Somehow I get home.

I spend several days in bed.

 

Then it becomes apparent I’ve got secondary chest infection.

 

Two weeks later I’m just about managing to work from home.

 

------

 

A flash of irritation as someone points out “maybe next time you should take your own advice?”

I bite my tongue to stop myself snipping back a response.

This was important.

I had to be there for that meeting.

I had to.

 

Didn’t I.

 

?

 

I’m desperately trying to catch up again and I cling to the fact that I made that meeting. But the guilt having ended up out of action for more than two weeks is writhing underneath.

 

------

 

Would it have made a difference to my recovery time have stayed at home and not made the meeting?

I can’t say for certain. I may have avoided the secondary chest infection, perhaps reduced the risk.  And it’s likely it would have been better for everyone else too.

Would the meeting have been lost without me being there?

No. It either would have gone ahead and some decisions postponed, or rearranged for another day. Yes it was important that I was there, but not that important.

 

My commitment to work and to colleagues can sometimes result in some twisted logic – I think I’m doing the right thing making sure that I keep my commitments, yet that level of commitment can sometimes have unintended consequences.

Looking after myself first and foremost can feel uncomfortable at times. I still have the “I’ve just got to do this” guilt. But more so than I’ve done before, I’m paying attention to my own advice.