Locating a lever to lessen the load

It’s spring, and it feels as though there’s a bit of warmth in the sun.

Talk of renewed energy and excitement at the longer days makes me reflect on how I’m feeling.

Perhaps I haven’t yet let go of the winter blues…

…perhaps I’m looking for something to spark some inner energy reserve I haven’t yet tapped.

We’ve been through our annual performance appraisal procedures for this year, and I have a list of things to build on and develop. But it’s the pressure building on top of me that stopping me from looking ahead with much enthusiasm.

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I’m sitting, staring out of the window. Watching the flowers in the garden bouncing their heads in the rain. It’s a grey, damp, overcast day.

It’s other than the rain drops hitting the window pane, it’s quiet.

My mind starts to drift…

…I wonder what it would feel like to be enthused again about work…

…to have energy and eagerness and excitement…

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“This is a great opportunity!”

Of course it is, I can see that. But do I really want it?

My performance appraisal highlighted the skills that I need to develop and additional responsibilities to take on. I know that my desire and drive to deliver to the best of my ability has been recognised by my line management and others.

So why do I feel this way?

I’m talking with colleagues over lunch.

“…hamster wheel!”

I stop.

Frozen in time.

Just for a second.

Yes… yes, perhaps that’s it… that sense that I’m running but not going anywhere.

Except that my wheel is not turning at the speed I’m running, but has a little motor attached, and each year | month | week | day it’s being tweaked up a notch. Not by me, but others.

And now I feel like I’m no longer keeping up.

I want to step off the wheel.

But I’m moving to fast to do that.

Somehow, I have to slow it down.

For now, I deal with the things immediately in front of me, demanding my attention.

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Several months pass. It’s early autumn. I’ve got some time away. The first few days my mind is consumed by all the things I’ve left behind.

Slowly I start to focus on the present.

Then eventually I start to think about the future.

I begin to contemplate options.

And then dismiss them.

I’m scared of the change.

And before I can draw breath, I’m back into it.

The pressure piles on top of me like an avalanche.

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A few months later, I have a short break. A few of those ideas I had creep back into my thoughts.

A little thought seed germinates inside of me.

 I weigh up more deeply what are the things I enjoy and the things that cause me stress?

 I ask myself what I feel I have to do and what I want to do?

 I begin to tease out the pressure from others and the pressure I am putting on myself. I start to query myself what am I getting out of this?

The burden I’m carrying is still there. It’s still growing. It’s not going to get any lighter.

But asking myself these questions has done something. Perhaps it’s helped me regain a sense of some control. I don’t always have answers and I find that I don’t ask myself the questions often enough, at first. It’s just that in asking myself those questions, feels like I have a lever.