Is this really the right way?

Day 153

I was awake in the early hours. Couldn’t sleep. I’ve had to hid my alarm clock so I can no longer see what time it is. Someone mentioned it helps then back to sleep more quickly. I guess it works in a way, stops me counting down the minutes and hours, getting obsessed with how many hours sleep I’ve lost and berating myself for not being asleep.

This week is full of meeting I’m dreading. The fallout could be bad. I just wish it was over so I knew where I stood.

I can’t work out if writing out how I’m feeling in the middle of the night helps or not. At least after doing it I managed to fall asleep for a while.

And even though I tend to be more snappy when I’m tired, today went better than I thought it might. I had my one-to-one with Amanda and she didn’t get as upset as I thought she might when I broached it that she was slipping on deadlines and that I was concerned she could handle the work. I’m trying so hard to build her confidence in taking on new things, but it is immensely frustrating that she seems to take forever over something. She’s capable and sometime I can’t understand why she doesn’t have more self-belief and just get on with it.

Still she must be growing in confidence as she pointed out several things that I could have done better that would have helped her! I guess bracing myself for a difficult meeting helped me keep my temper and I managed to bite my tongue. And now thinking back to what she said, she made some fair points. I did just land stuff on her without making it clear what I wanted to see from her, other than to make sure the work got done. And I wasn’t particularly supportive when Stuart decided to stick his oar in. I really should have told him to back off.

Some things to remember.

Just need some sleep so I’m more on top of it all.

Day 154

Today was the turn of Joe. I know I’ve been ignoring his negativity. I figured things would settle down after me coming in and the changes I’ve imposed. But now it’s just getting to me. And I know it’s been affecting Amanda, Lucy and Mark as well as others. Decided to try a different approach. Our one-to-ones have begun to feel more and more confrontational where he picks holes in everything or simply moans and start to lose my patience and tell him exactly what is and isn’t going to happen. Over coffee Laura asked me what Joe thought the solution was to all his ills, and I realised I’d tuned out so much I wasn’t asking him anymore. So today I did. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised he was defensive and suspicious. It pushed me into being more blunt than I usually am, particularly in pointing out we were going nowhere and he simply wasn’t accepting my suggestions or solutions, so something had to change. Not sure we got very far, particularly as he seemed intent on focusing what he thought everybody else should be doing. In the end we ran out of time and he looked about as frustrated as I felt. Oh well, another month’s reprieve until I have to do this again.

Day 155

Finally, two conversations I’ve been dreading are over with. The one with Lucy got tense. She doesn’t take feedback well and it’s become a sore point that the lack of attention to detail is detracting hugely from how people see her. But it’s almost like she doesn’t care, all she wants is a promotion, yet at the moment I couldn’t support it. I get that it’s not her strong point, she does want to get into the nitty gritty and somehow, we ended up talking about what she enjoys in her work and what she doesn’t. It’s made me wonder if this is really the right role for her, even though she’s been in it a couple of years or so.

I have to admit I felt slightly sick as Mark walked in. After the informal complaint about a month ago, and a long conversation about it then, Mark agreed that we should meet more regularly and discuss how things were going and try to work out a way forward. It’s been playing on my mind each time I give Mark feedback. Sometimes he takes it okay and other times he gets very upset and it takes time for him to calm down. Still, I think he’s starting to see that the individual difficult interactions he has with people are linked and he is trying to do things differently and not react so strongly to everything. When I suggested that perhaps some training courses might help, he said he’d think about it. Just got to be patient on this one.

Day 156

We’re slowly moving forward with all the org changes and at least today’s leadership team meeting was a bit more positive. Gary was less pedantic than of late, and I actually found myself agreeing with a good number of the points he raised! Paul was more relaxed and less aggressive than he was in the last meeting and even Stuart wasn’t particularly argumentative. Laura had kept her ear to the ground and was trying to gauge how our announcements had been going down. Sounds like after a flurry of excitement and anxiety, some discontentment has set in. We agreed that we’d have to do some more positive messaging to keep some momentum and allay some fears, if we could.

I caught up with Laura afterwards and she asked me how the meeting with Joe had gone. We talked it over and it made me realise that it might be better to revisit the negativity Joe is carrying, sooner rather than later. Oh!

Day 157

Today was draining. I had to psych myself up for a one-day conference that I’ve no particular interest in, other than to be seen at. I guess in the end I had some useful conversations and perhaps it’s getting easier attending these types of events. I’ve got my patter sorted for the first minutes, and that helps smooth the first few awkward moments meeting someone. Still, does feel like I have to fix my smile each time.

The mid-afternoon I see a short email from Laura about Cathy which just makes my blood boil. I tried calling Laura to get more detail, but she was clearly tied up in other things. Looks like Cathy’s been slyly talking behind my back. Claws out by the sounds of it. Cannot believe it!

Rest of the day was a blow out.

I’m still fuming now.

It’s 2.37am.

I can’t sleep.

I’m so wound up.

Argh.

I’m so tired.

Can’t think straight.

Why did I look at my email.

What is she doing.

Why.

Why has she been saying those things.

Untrue.

Unbelievable.

And now I’m plotting and planning all the things I’m going to do and say.

Just like her.

This isn’t me.

What is going on?