I had a plan, and now...

WHAT?!???!!

 

I feel a spasm in my jaw.

I’m grinding my teeth.

 

Disbelief.

Then anger.

My nails dig into my palms.

 

I’m no longer hearing what’s being said.

Though I’m trying.

But other words are flying around my head.

 

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We’re trying to hit a moving target – each time we hit a milestone, things have changed. The target has moved and we have to do more.

The pressure is ramping up fast to find ways to beat the target.

I just don’t know how we’ll do this.

 

Yes, we can rationalise and make predictions.

Yes, we can use gut instinct to help find a way through.

Yes, we can seek a broad range of differing opinions and look for consensus.

But what is happening is still not within my control.

 

Somehow, I stumble onwards.

With some ‘success’.

Still punctuated by moments of anger and disbelief.

 

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Was it really control that I lacked?

Would having control have made a different?

 

I might have felt better about it, but when I think back, I still wouldn’t have predicted what did in the end happen.

 

Part of what I had to deal with was inherent uncertainty.

Finding ways to cope with unexpected change.

And getting comfortable with that.

 

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I have a plan. As I’ve always done.

This time I pushed other things aside to carefully think about it.

I sought opinions.

Refined it.

And I’ll keep refining it.

Changing it.

Keeping it alive.

 

I’ve been more thorough about the ‘what if…’ scenarios.

The risks and what to do to mitigate them.

 

I’m feeling more prepared. More confident.

 

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WHAT?!???!!

 

I feel a spasm in my jaw.

I’m grinding my teeth again.

 

Disbelief.

Then anger.

 

Despair kicks in.

I sit looking blankly.

Then it’s there in my mind. The question.

 

“What could you have done differently?”

 

I go over it again and again.

It’s a question I can’t answer nor let go of.

 

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It’s a weight sitting in my stomach.

I’ve gone over my plans.

I’ve talked it over with everyone I can think of. Pulling it apart. Putting it back together.

But the weight in my stomach is still there.

 

It must be showing.

Someone comments.

It catches me by surprise, but I talk about how I’m feeling and why.

“Sounds like you really thought about it”

So why do I feel like this…

“You can’t plan for everything….”

 

Then I realise.

It’s not about the plan.

It’s about me.

It’s about how I cope with uncertainty.

And my propensity to constantly mull over and worry about all the detail doesn’t help.

 

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It’s taken me time to refocus my thoughts.

I’ve had to learn to better discern and focus on what actions I can take. What is really in my control and let go of what is not.

I’ve had to build on a collaborative approach and believe in it, and stop continually questioning decisions made.

I’ve had to focus on the positive outcomes and appreciate them, and find different ways to approach problems than sitting and stewing on them.

And I’ve had to look after myself. Knowing that thinking time and space is important to me, and creating it. Realising that my thinking time is most fruitful when I’m in a calm, enthused, inspired frame of mind. Sometimes it’s hard to step back and place the pressures and busy-ness to one side, and I’ve found when I’m most likely to be in the right frame of mind and now protect that time carefully.

 

I still plan.

I still work collaboratively.

I still think carefully and thoroughly over the “what ifs…”

But now I also keep an eye on myself too, that managing change and uncertainty is also about managing myself.