Got to keep on it

There’s a sharp twist in my gut.

The realisation that it hasn’t been done.

 

It wasn’t my task to complete. But it is my responsibility.

I can see the accusing questions, the blame coming my way already.

 

Desperation sets in and I plunge head long into doing all I can to salvage this.

 

------

 

This time around I’m watching.

Like a hawk.

 

How’s it going? When do you think this bit will be done? This doesn’t look right, maybe you should do it this way? Have you seen this? Perhaps you could include this? Will you get everything done in time? Why not?

 

My irritation is growing.

I should have done this myself.

It would have been quicker and then I would have got what I wanted.

Then at least I’d know what’s going on and defend myself properly if need be.

 

------

 

I’m exhausted.

Too many things, too many plates spinning that I’m desperately trying to keep going.

I’m losing track of everything I’ve got going on.

It feels like I’m carrying the weight of 10 people on my shoulders.

 

------

 

I’m at my desk staring at my screen.

Except I’m not.

Not really. My focus is somewhere else. Lost.

My hand is clenched and looking down I realise my finger nails are digging into my palm, burrowing in as my grip tightens even further.

 

It’s because I’ve just had a conversation with my manager and I’ve been told I’m not including them in what I do and that I’m expected to do so in the future.

Disbelief.

Frustration.

I just want to get on with my job. Make decisions. I’m capable. This is part of my role. Or so I thought.

Now it feels like I have to make sure everything, every little decision I make, every interaction I have, goes past them. First. Before I do anything else.

 

This is not what I want. Nor what I signed up for.

 

------

 

I decide to change tack.

 

Taking on someone else work isn’t good for them and definitely isn’t good for me. Whilst it makes me feel less vulnerable and more in control, I simply can’t keep going. It’s too much for me to cope with.

And I know how it feels to have someone take work away from me. It’s the pernicious message ‘you’re just not good enough’. It might be dressed up another way, like ‘I’m just helping you’. But it’s not.

 

But it’s hard to not what someone closely when you’re worried that they’ll let you down and you’re the one dealing with the consequences, cleaning up the mess.

 

We’re meeting privately.

I ask how things are going.

What problems they’re encountering. What they’re worried about.

This time I really listen.

There’s a long list. They’re griping, moaning, carping-on.

The ‘I don’t know what to do’, ‘I can’t get this done because… ‘

I hold my tongue. Keep my patience.

I describe the consequences if it doesn’t happen. Not for me, but for everyone else.

There’s a pause.

A long one.

I ask what they could do next.

 

Slowly we work it through. But I’m careful not to offer too many suggestions. And make sure I’m not taking any actions.

 

They come back later.

More problems. The plan isn’t working out.

The ‘I don’t know what to do’.

Again we talk it through.

I keep asking questions. Not giving solutions.

 

It’s taking time. It’s eating up my day.

I feel the urge to take it on and get it done myself.

I resist.

 

It’s gone silent.

I want to ask what’s happening. But I stop myself.

It’s an itchy irritation in my mind. I little bit of trepidation creeping in.

But I remind myself we have a date. An agreed time and place when we’ll be talking again.

 

We’re meeting again.

Update. There’s a bit more progress than I anticipated, but still problems.

I focus on the deadline. Are we going to meet it?

 

They come back wanting to talk again.

Inside a twinge of frustration.

This is taking so much of my time.

But we sit down and I keep neutral. I don’t want to show my frustration, something’s changed and I don’t want to knock that back.

 

 

Done!

On time.

Relief.

 

------

 

We continue to meet and structure our meetings in this way. The times we speak in between have less moaning on problems they feel they can’t solve, and focused on more specific things they want to talk through.

It’s taken time and effort. A lot. More than I had anticipated. But now our working relationship has changed, I realise I’m not as overwhelmed as before. And now I trust them. I listen to what they have to say and we work things through together.

I still have to stop myself from taking over.

Consciously prevent my desire for control, taking over how I interact and manage a situation.

But slowly by spending time and effort, being clear with myself and with others on my expectations on who will do what and by when, I’ve realised that the ‘how’ doesn’t matter so much as ensuring the outcome is delivered.