Do you know when you should take a break from work?

I sigh.

My brow furrows.

I hold my breath briefly as I close my eyes.

It’s endless. The number of things I have to get done. The number of people asking me where things are up to. I’m doing the small immediate things I can get done, just to stem the tide. The bigger tasks are sitting there seemingly getting bigger all the time.

And that’s the one thing I don’t have.

Time.

My mind is cluttered. I have too many thoughts crammed in. They are like mosquitoes – buzzing and whining, I’m trying to catch them before they bite me. And I can’t.

I’m staring at my screen. It’s a simple decision I have to make. I know it is. Yet somehow, I seem unable to make it.

Someone has dragged me away for a moment. We sit there clutching our mugs.

“Are you okay? You seem really busy at the moment”

I stare at the tea gently swirling in my mug. Finally admit to someone how tired I am. That I would love to have a break, just to stop, but I have so much to do I just don’t know when that will happen.

“Maybe you do need a break. Get away from it all and then come back refreshed.”

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I keep going. I have a sense of duty, I can’t simply let people down. So I plough on.

Uhhh….

My stomach tenses.

Suddenly my palms are sweating and my eyes wide open.

I’ve missed something. Big.

Panic sets in as I frantically try to sort out my mistake. I’m aware that this is not good, but I don’t see another way to work this out.

I start pressurising other people to get things done for me. I’m bottling my frustration as best I can.

I cobble it all together. There are mistakes, I am sure of it. It eats away at me.

How could I have missed this?

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I finally take a break. A holiday. 2 weeks. It takes over a week to unwind. And after a day of calm bliss, fear and anxiety start to creep back. All the things that will be waiting for me when I return.

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It’s the start of the first day back. There’s all the things I left behind and more.

I pause for a moment, and get a mug of tea.

I move everything off my desk and turn off my screen.

On a clean piece of paper, I begin afresh.

I map out the big tasks and deadlines. I break them down into smaller pieces. I list all of the small bity things I’ve got ongoing. I set aside time in blocks to deal with the barrage of email. I pencil things into my calendar.

And then I create a to-do list for the day.

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My discipline lasts for a few weeks. I have slips – unexpected meetings, people catching me unawares, urgent requests.

Generally though, I get through my to-do list for the day.

Having had a break, I’m more efficient. My mind is more clear and focused on the tasks in hand.

But the slip in my discipline structuring my workload each working day, comes with a growing sense of pressure again.

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A pre-planned short break takes me away and releases the pressure causing my mind to feel cluttered. I return with a renewed sense of determination and discipline.

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Slowly I’ve come to realise that the times I most need a break are the times when I most feel unable to take one. Planned, semi-regular booked time away has helped, but learning to give myself permission to take a break when I most need, is still something I am working on.