Conscious of what you fear?

Fear

Sometimes it’s obvious.

The sudden jolt in heart beat

Thumping loudly and rapidly

Ears full of the sound

Whole body tense

Neck stiff, prickling with expectation

Or palms moist with perspiration

A tremble in hands

Legs unsteady, quivering

The dead weight clenched around the stomach

Crushing it

Throat dries up

Thoughts racing

Yet mind goes blank

Words do not form

All focus is inwards

Trying to hide it

Everything else is a blur

What other people are saying is no longer permeating through

Sometimes it’s unconscious.

Hidden beneath an avalanche of work

Subsumed by endless emails, meetings, problems to sort out

It’s the things that get dismissed

Put to one side

Deemed not a priority

Labelled that way, because there’s something uncomfortable about doing it

The tension in the shoulders

Down the spine

Only apparent late at night, when trying to sleep

A pulsing throb around the temples

Jaw clenched, teeth jammed tight together

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Overwhelmed with work can conceal all sorts of things. The stress of dealing with the sheer volume often means little time to stop and think about anything.

I’ve found that it also means certain things that matter, I put to one side.

I find myself thinking, I’ll deal with that later when I have more time to think about it.

Yet that time doesn’t come.

Not properly.

Instead it interrupts my sleep. When thoughts aren’t rational but distorted and inflated by my underlying concerns and fear about what it might entail for me.

And the less sleep I have, the less energy, focus and capacity I have for working it through during my working hours.

Often when I procrastinate about something, it’s fear that underlies it.

Fear I could look stupid

Fear I could get it wrong

Fear I don’t know what to do

Fear I could upset someone and not be able to deal with the consequences

Fear I could be rejected

Recognising the signs helps me to do something about it.

Even with the obvious signs of fear, it takes time and space to think about it and decide on what to do.

But when it’s unconscious, then I have to pay close attention to what I’m doing. Often it’s my subtle avoidance tactics, the "I’ll get around to that later, as this other thing is more important right now", that is usually a sign.

Or when I’m replying conversations in my mind over and over again, unable to let particular details go.

That’s when I know, making time, creating space to focus on what’s really going on for me is vital.

If I don’t, I waste valuable head space and energy, going around and around, building it into something bigger, adding to my ever-increasing workload.

And when I do make the time, hard as it is face what the fear really is, there’s also a little bit of relief too. Sometimes that’s difficult for me to identify and feel, but I know it’s there.

And that’s what I try to hang on to and remember. That it will be worth taking the time and facing it.