Pride before a fall

Self-reliant.

I value it. I’ve come to realise that I’ve always been careful to cultivate independence. I treasure the fact that I can look after myself, solve my problems, face my own challenges and learn from my mistakes.

That’s not to say I find it easy to pick myself up from making mistakes.

In fact I’m often driven by a fear of failure.

However, when faced with something new and I perceive the risk to be low (so when making a mistake won’t lose much face) I like to do give it a go, do things for myself, find my way of doing it. Learn from my mistakes. Because for me, experiencing it, doing it, gives me a real understanding of what is involved.

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My heart is thumping in my chest. My face feels like it’s boiling away. My palms are beaded with cold sweat.

I’ve got it wrong and now I’m being called out in from of a group of people.

My knees have gone weak, and I’m only just managing to keep myself standing upright.

Afterwards I hide. I need the time alone. I’m simply too emotional to face anyone.

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It takes me a number of weeks to start to let go of the emotions of that meeting. I keep replaying it over and over and over in my mind.

I want to erase it from my memory and I can’t.

It was a bad judgement call on my part. I realise that now. I didn’t have all the information I should have got. I didn’t fully see or understand the consequences of my decision.

And the worst part was that I knew deep down I wasn’t certain. But I took the risk and paid a gut-wrenching price.

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“Why didn’t you say something? You need to talk to people”

I can feel my face flushing again.

I get defensive. This was my decision ultimately, therefore I had to make the one I felt most appropriate, not go ask someone else to make it. And anyway, I couldn’t have defended someone else’s decision.

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So is that my pride talking? Saying I shouldn’t ask for help?

Yes, because I’m independent. Self-reliant.

And perhaps also because I’m scared of what others might think if I ask…

“Not really up to this job, are you?”

“What are you asking me this for, surely you should know by now?”

“Good grief, I don’t have time to help you with this – get on with it yourself!”

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A few years later in a new role, with new responsibilities I am not familiar with, I’m asking all sorts of questions.

I’ve become more comfortable in knowing I can’t and won’t know all the answers to everything that comes my way.

I’ve learnt to buy myself time to questions I don’t have answers to, to take them away and give fuller more complete answers later once I’ve had chance to think and consult with others.

I’ve realised that many heads are better than one and sharing a problem gets it resolved more quickly and with more buy-in, than if I just sit on it and keep it to myself.

But for all that, I still find it hard to ask for help.

There is still the deep-rooted pride in being self-reliant, the innate fear of how others might judge me, when I ask for help, which stops me.