Keep calm and carry on?
Recognising what is good feedback
I’m clenching my stomach tight.
‘Keep calm. Keep calm. Keep calm…’
My knuckles are starting to whiten as I hold my hands together.
The words “you really should…” make me draw in a breath.
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Criticism, appraisal, feedback. I know it’s supposed to help me, but it doesn’t feel that way.
Praise feels even worse.
I’m listening to what they want me to improve on. I want to explain my reasons for doing it they way I did. I’m looking to defend myself. I don’t want to start an argument, I just want to put my point of view across. It’s not appreciated.
I leave. Emotions tumbling around inside.
Anger. Frustration. Insecurity.
I’m unsure what to do differently. I just wanted to understand to, to analyse what I did and what I could change. Instead I’m unsure where to go, what to do.
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I’m clenching my stomach tight.
‘Keep calm. Keep calm. Keep calm…’
My knuckles are starting to whiten as I hold my hands together.
The words “how do you feel that went?” make me draw in a breath.
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I’m lost. How am I supposed to answer that question? What should I say? What do they want me to say?
“Err… well it was okay, I guess it could have been better”
“What could have gone better?”
Oh, oh okay they’re going to keep digging. Oh!
I’m not sure what could have gone better, and I’m not sure it went well either. But I have a few suggestions to go away and think about, and that feels like it was useful.
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I’m clenching my stomach tight.
‘Keep calm. Keep calm. Keep calm…’
My knuckles are starting to whiten as I hold my hands together.
The words “what would you like to talk about?” make me draw in a breath.
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Perhaps I’m never going to feel comfortable about receiving feedback. It’s felt so many times like disparagement, criticism, judgement, that my immediate reaction on realising I’m about to be given feedback is always the same.
But I have a desire to learn, to improve myself, to change. At first this was drive my others opinions. Gradually I learnt to discern what it was that I wanted to adjust within myself, and this came with an understanding of what good feedback felt, sounded and looked like.
An observation based on what the other person saw or heard
A chance to talk it through – how I felt, what I was feeling, why I did/said what I did
And time to talk through what went well and what I could have done differently, thinking through what might happened if I changed what I did and how I could approach a similar situation next time
I’ve also learnt to appreciate good feedback and show my appreciation to that person. In accepting their thoughts and letting them know what I’ve done in response to their feedback, it’s created working relationships where I’ve felt valued and respected, and where I’ve done my upmost to create reciprocal feelings.
This February I am focusing on feedback, and this blog is part of a series on giving and receiving feedback.
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