In deep...

Day 87

The thought has been sitting in the back of my head and I’ve been ignoring it. Today made me realise that I could and perhaps should have handled this differently at the beginning. I just didn't have time. Now it’s just become too big to ignore.

Somehow I have to find a way to help Mark fully understand that he has to be more mindful of his behaviour, otherwise it’s going to get formal. Someone will make it formal. I'm dreading tomorrow. I can already feel the knot in my stomach. But I have to face this. I have to help Mark face this.

I know I shouldn't let this get to me, it's just been playing on my mind for far too long. I hope I sleep tonight. I need it.

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Day 88

Well. I'm glad the day is over and done with. I'm still feeling sick and my neck and shoulders are so tense I can barely turn my head without a tight gripping pain. The morning's meetings were more fraught than usual. Couldn't seem to agree on anything. I was wishing them to fly by, instead they seemed to drag. Finally I get to my meeting with Mark.

I could feel a headache coming on, but I did my best to ignore it and composed myself. Reminded myself to keep calm no matter what.

But surprisingly I think it went okay, better than I was expecting it to. I guess all that prep worked and I managed to stay calm even when things got tense. Now thinking back, I guess I have a better understanding of where Mark's coming from. Doesn't change anything that we talked about. But really talking it through hopefully means things can change.

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Day 89

I was straight back into it today. Feels like I'm up to my eyeballs in management issues at the moment. This time it was a meeting with Stuart, who has been on my back about Mark. Since their run in a couple of months ago it seems that Stuart has been looking out for anything Mark does which he doesn’t like. Luckily they don’t have much interaction! It's been hard not to get worn down by hearing constant snipes and put downs about Mark, as it really feels like Stuart is having a pop at me. I just wish he’d stop.

Then my meeting with Lucy. Our monthly catch up as usual. Perhaps I wasn't in the right frame of mind after speaking with Stuart. One of the things I had to pick up with her have been the mistakes she has made recently. I know they're not major things, but it's just been so many recently. I guess I could have said it better as she looked upset and got quite defensive about it.

Can't say I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Just so tired at the moment and not sure I'm handling things quite right.

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Day 90

Today I thought we'd finally finalise and commit to our new 3 year strategy. Except disagreement about how we're implementing this, erupted again. I thought we were all in agreement that some roles and responsibilities may change to realign with the critical workstreams. But right now it feels like a turf war. Laura wants a structure to reflect the changes fairly across all the roles. Stuart feels that this will cause too much disruption and believes minimal change would be better and get us working within the new workstreams more quickly. Gary seems so exasperated he's now resorting to picking holes in everyone's argument and not contributing anything positive. And then on the side Paul and Cathy appear to be having some private battle, which I don't fully understand and neither will talk about privately. Me? I just want to get to a decision and make it happen. This endless circling is driving me crazy!

I get it all, apart from the private battle that's simply distracting. And maybe that's one of my difficulties. I can't see a way out of this. I've tried finding all sorts of compromises. All rejected. Everyone more entrenched. Why can't we just make a decision and move on?!?

Rest of the day was a blur.

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Day 91

It's the end of the week. Relief.

I managed to have a private word with Paul and I guess it turned into a rant... frustration about the lack of decision has been eating away at me. He gave me space to vent, and agreed we should find a way to move forward.

I caught Laura a little later and we chatted for a while. I know we both want to stop this endless debate and we talked a lot about Stuart's argument. I get the distinct impression that part of Laura's objection to his plan is that she just doesn't like Stuart.

And then by chance, heading out of the office on the way home, I bumped into Cathy. I find it hard to gauge her at the best of times and several people have told me to be careful what I say to her, as she's good at playing games to her advantage. I guess that’s made me wary of her. But I managed to get some time with her next week to have a proper discussion getting a decision.

I'm not sure how this is going to work out, and feels like I'm playing games now. I don't like it, but somehow we have to move on from this stalemate.

So three months have passed. Who'd have thought that time could both disappear in the blink of an eye and feel so long and exhausting at the same time?

I feel I have a better measure of people now and what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I certainly wasn't expecting to be chin deep in management issues, I knew I'd have enough on my plate developing and implementing our three year plan. And there's still so much I feel I haven't got to grips with. I think I'm hiding that better though.

The workload is utterly ridiculous and I feel permanently exhausted. Something has to change with that, as I don't think I can keep it up. But I guess I'm starting to feel like I'm making a bit of progress. And I did say I wanted a challenge...