'I'll catch up in the summer' promise

I suddenly stop.

I’ve just realised that I’m pacing.

I go back to making myself a drink, trying focus on that, rather than the incessant firework of thoughts crackling in my head.

I go back to my desk. In my head the tirade of thoughts still keeps popping into existence.

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Summer has arrived. Schools have finished for the year and there’s a sense of anticipation. Time away from work, warmth and sunshine, relaxation and excitement.

And work gets quieter.

Or so they say.

Yet, I’m agitated. I can’t sit still and I seem unable to get into the long list of tasks. This is the time though, this is the time where I actually have time to get things done. When there are no distractions | no meetings |when I have time and space to think | to give things proper consideration | to catch up on all those things that I’ve had to put to one side | to look to the future | to make plans. This is the time.

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Stop!

I force myself to standstill and place my hands on the back of the chair.

I’ve been pacing again without noticing it.

The week has disappeared. I don’t know where time has gone. I feel drained. My list of things to do looks even longer than before.

How can this be?

It’s quiet. I’ve barely had any meetings.

My head still feels like it’ll explode with the thoughts of all the things I need to get done before things really kick back in and I’m back into back-to-back meetings all day long.

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Another week evaporates.

The sun is shining and the warmth in the office is a reminder of how nice it is outside. The thought of people relaxing and enjoying the summer feeds the frustration eating away at me.

My list of tasks remains stubbornly long.

As my restlessness grows I find it harder to concentrate and I slowly become aware of just how much time is slipping away without me really achieving anything.

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Another meeting request. It’s urgent.

My calendar is filling up fast.

The pressure to find time is back on with a vengeance.

It’s as I’m heading home I become aware of a feeling of satisfaction.

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The days fill up quickly and it’s back to the usual scenario as I try to find time to do work around my meetings.

I’m kicking myself for having not made more of the time during the summer when I was meeting free. Just why did I not get more done?

The thought floats around my mind.

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I like feeling organised. Whether I am or not is perhaps another question. But it’s that feeling that gives me a sense of purpose and also a sense of control.

Can I honestly say that being in back-to-back meetings all day is productive? No. But the one thing it does for me, is give me that sense that I’ve done something useful with my time. Or is that just my imagination?

I ponder on that for a long while.

Suddenly I’m scared by the realisation that I’m not really achieving much.

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Summer time again.

I decide to plan out the next couple of weeks. I put ‘meetings’ (with myself) in my calendar for specific pieces of work I need to get done. I vary it so it’s not the same thing for hours on end.

I look at my calendar. Looks great. Got that satisfied feeling again.

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The two weeks slip by.

I’ve made headway on a couple of big pieces of work. Feels good.

But I’ve not stuck so well with other things and email is as distracting as it always has been.

And because I have time, I’ve been wallowing in it.

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I plan again, and allot time to various tasks.

Then I tell a couple of people what I’m going to get done and by when.

The first few days I carry on as before. But then the feeling starts to grow. At first I’m not clear what it is, and then as the days go by I realise it’s the anxiety I get when I feel I’m not going to deliver on my word.

I find my focus and get what I said I would completed.

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It took me a while to realise that I needed to be more aware of dealing with a change in my routine. It relieved the pressure, which was great, but it also gave me too much space and I was left floundering not making the best use of the time I had.

So I’ve found ways to give myself structure, to feel organised and to motivate myself, to be accountable to someone else (when being accountable to myself is not enough). It doesn’t always work. There are times when I’m creating something and I need a little inspiration, and the allocated slot just isn’t the right moment. But now I feel I’m quicker to pick up on when I’m wasting my time, too many thoughts fizzing in my head, and that helps me refocus go back to the task at hand and make just a bit more progress.