Frightened of giving feedback?

I can feel them beginning to well up.

I'm desperately holding my breath to try to stop the tears from forming, whilst keeping my face neutral.

I don't understand why I'm about to cry, I’m getting praise for a job well done.

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This time it stings.

A sharp pointed pain in my chest.

I keep replaying the words round in my head.

I must remember this and do better next time. I must get it right. I must not fail…

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The emotion I’ve felt at points has been intense, so much so that rather than accept the feedback, process it, decide on what I’m going to do in response to it, I’ve got stuck. Stuck with the emotion, the embarrassment of receiving praise or the sting of not having done well enough.

And that’s stopped me from giving feedback.

I know what feelings it can arouse and I’m scared of hurting others.

So whenever I've given someone feedback I've felt the tension in my shoulders and a knot in my stomach, unsure how they'll react.

Apprehensive that they'll get emotional and I won't know how to handle it.

Or worse, say something that makes them even more emotional, leaving them caught and tangled in that emotional state, as I have been before.

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The person I'm talking to can tell I'm upset. And I am upset, I am working with someone else who I find difficult to work with. I feel they don't respect me or value my opinion and yet making sure my team and I deliver this project, means working closely with this person who I do not wish to.

The person I'm talking to is curious as to why I feel the person I find difficult to work with does not respect me.

I give some examples, try to explain.

They keep asking questions.

Digging.

I find myself getting more upset and now it’s visible.

I feel ashamed and embarrassed for getting so upset. Which makes me feel worse.

The person opposite keeps going, now asking why I'm so upset by all these questions.

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My experience has made me think carefully before giving others feedback.

But I've also known that not saying something means nothing changes.

I think back to the moments of praise.

I did get emotional. The power of the emotion overtook that moment.

But in the days afterwards, once the emotion had subsided, I was able to think back to the words. The words that conveyed that I had taken onboard some previous feedback and done something positive with it.

And it’s not often that someone is bothered or thoughtful enough to follow that through and positively affirm that I’ve done something differently.

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So now when I feel I should say something, I think about purpose.

What difference will this make? For them? For me? For others?