Do I? Don't I?

I’m flattered

I know I am because I’m thinking “wow they’re asking me”

A bubble of excitement is growing in me and I start to think of the possibilities.

*pop*

Gone

Reality bursts it

I don’t have time

I have enough on my plate

You promised yourself not to take on something else

It’s too much

Yet I cling onto the possibility

I say I’ll think about it

And I do

Through moments of excitement, fear, what should I do?

Through agitated nights, fidgeting, half-awake, whirling ideas, self-doubt

I realise I have to rationalise this

Make the time to gather information and think it through.

Because whilst it may not be the highest priority, it’s in my head. Pushing it away doesn’t free me. The thoughts just sit there and at unexpected moments suddenly burst forward distracting me.

I write out what information I want to help me decide.

I gather it, talking to people, looking at past events, thinking about future needs.

Can I do this?

What happens if I feel I can’t?

What happens if I fail?

And what happens if I succeed?

After collecting as much information as I can. I still yet haven’t decided.

Something’s hanging over me.

I think I know hat my answer’s going to be.

I sit down to write my reply.

I stop.

It’s still there, that feeling I’m not certain if this is the right decision.

------

I’m having a conversation with someone, when suddenly “oh!”

I’ve got a little knot in my stomach.

For some reason the conversation I’m in reminds me of the decision I haven’t quite made.

It affects this person. Indirectly. But still, it affects them.

The knot in my stomach gets tighter.

I realise I have to say something.

Tentatively I mention the role I’ve been offered.

I wait for their reaction, I feel tension in my arms, across my back.

I breathe out.

Our conversation moves on.

Later I write my reply.

That feeling that was stopping me has gone. And now I feel relief that I’ve made my decision.